No, that is not a typo. In keeping with the emotional whiney baby theme, I thought I would get a book deal to go on a year long vacation as a reward for committing adultery and wondering why it didn’t make everyone give me my way. Maybe I don’t know who I really am, because I am good looking(I look a lot like Julia Roberts), so people really ought to do what I want them to do. Or something. Anyway, I thought I might take this year long opportunity to see if gluttony and trivializing other people’s belief systems would do any better than sleeping with another person’s spouse to help me know who I am…
Oh wait, that wasn’t me.
That was the author bestselling book which is now a major motion picture.
Just a couple of things, though…
1) If the rest of us can’t figure out who we are, we get evaluated at the doc, prescribed a few meds, and sent back to work. If you don’t know who you are, drop by the house and I will tell you.
2) If you are having uncomfortable feelings, that is what you are supposed to feel when you treat humans like you are playing a video game. Respect folks. You will feel a lot less uncomfortable with your actual self. Seems like you are getting more respect than you give.
3) Really. Seriously. There are just so many things. I have to quit.
4) Just one more. When everything is true, nothing is. You explored multiple religions in order to fulfill your contract. That is peddling spirituality for profit. Is that respect? Is it spiritual? Is it even intellectually tenable? In religion as in relationships…it is generally considered best to pick one and stick with it.
Yeah, my life is sucking right now. I got no book deal. No vacation. When I tell my own story to myself, I keep coming back to the things I did that make the current circumstances not be fun. In other words, my own responsibility.
What I have to do now is get my priorities in order…
I am not the center of all this, and I need to put myself in proper relationship to God, others and myself. The best way to do this is to acknowledge Him. Ask Him for yet more mercy and still more grace. He has been so patient with me and my whining and cussing of the circumstances that came along and shined the searching light of truth on my heart. I am here again, asking Him to clean up my mess. And He does. Every. Single. Time.*
This is not about me. It is about getting my shit together so I show my kids the right way to be. Yes, there is a right way to be. Love is action. It is doing the right thing. It is not always popular; it is not always even comfortable. If I love someone I will put their best good ahead of my own. I have Someone to look out for my best good if no one else will (see above). Love is not sex. Please. Grow. Up.
If you haven’t picked up on it, there is an order here. My physical desires and appetites come last. Not first. My needs, of course, must be taken care of or I will be unable to care for my family, my job or my life. I am severely anemic, right now. This is a need. I hope my kids will have a pile of gifts under the tree Christmas morning. This is a want. Maybe the real need is for my kids to know that love doesn’t equal stuff.
The true meaning of Christmas, after all, is emptying oneself for the sake of another. Everyone in the story gave up something for someone else. That is, by the way, a universally accepted treatment for depression…doing something for someone else for which you cannot expect to profit.**
Thanks, Liz, for pointing out how good my life is. I have a 20 year long relationship with my husband. I know what I believe, and I don’t need to go anywhere to learn to be grateful for what I have. And, like you, I hope that a year from now, I will be a better human being.
Really just writing to myself, so I don’t forget.
*My husband’s company just awarded projects that will net more than the entire last year or more.
**I said treatment, not cure. I didn’t say not to take your meds, if you need them. Some people really need these drugs and our support. I believe these drugs are over prescribed, but I also acknowledge they are a miracle of the times in which we live and I am eternally grateful for the lives saved by them.