It has turned out to be a little therapeutic to be anonymous. Without the ordinary filter of needing to ‘get along’ or ‘play nice’. I have learned about who I am.
Kind of an emotional
The other blog is still up. On which I vowed not to pose. A lot of bloggers write a promise-to-be-completely-‘real’ and post the large pic of themselves in the side bar. I am finding that under the freedom from being stalked and the freedom to tell my side (which I have not accessed), there is a freedom to say what is really going on. I now realize I was clearly holding back before, which I didn’t realize until I realized I didn’t have to.
I am not loving seeing who I really am on the inside.
I am angry(and stupid…widely agreed to be the most deadly combination emotion and intellectual deficiency).
When I joined Weight Watchers, I was in the middle of my second week and crying everywhere and wondering what in the world was going on with me (aside from being really ready for dessert). The next week’s meeting topic was ‘triggers’. I had an emotional trigger. I was sad. When you took away the food, I was left to my feelings. Hence the tears.
I bring it up because when I took away my public identity, it took me just a few posts to start having an edge. Then I tried to write one morning to link up with a group and try as I might, I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t confrontational*. I had to step back and think about whether to post it or not. Not because I am afraid of being disagreed with, but because my topic was in no way profound enough to stir such emotion. It would have seemed weird to be that worked up.
I know that anger turned inward creates depression. In that way, I am glad to feel the anger instead of feeling like I have to make nice. But it is also draining and no way to live. I spent most of the weekend excusing myself from my family and trying to run on two tracks in my brain. One…taking in more positive ideas than what was trending on my brain. Two…ranking reasons I was angry.
I have been trying to home school children with a doctor appointment or lab appointment every other day. We have gone to the doctor more since mid-August than we have in the last five years. One of the people who is going is cultivating competitive hypochondria. The pediatrician has said as much to her face. The other person is going because of legitimate needs and is tired of being poked and prodded. The big kids cannot be left alone in the house because they are not trustworthy(I’ll just leave it at that). I am schlepping EVERYONE along. Every time.
We are simply not going to be able to pay our bills. Funny…the utility company won’t take a Wal-Mart gift card. Merry Christmas, Husband’s Boss. I prayed all the way to the office for the “Thanksgiving Potluck” that I would be able to effectively avoid him. There he was in the parking garage. The other wives stayed home. Their kids are smaller, though, and they would not have had to explain to anyone. SO THEN, he reads this long thing written by John Piper about finding satisfaction in your relationship with God and not in your circumstances. True. But the only person in the whole
universe, who should NOT be telling you this, is the guy who reduced your salary $1K/month the month before Christmas. Now the kids wanted an explanation for why he would say those things. We may lose our home. This individual uses God like a club on my head and the heads of my kids who are big enough to know what is going on? ( Imagine me at my desk, waving my hand high, telling him he is “#1”.)
Earlier in the year, someone stole something from me. Intangible. Irreplaceable. Gone forever. I have gotten a little distance from the event and am now able to consider it more fully. She was and is wrong. I have been over and over it and I simply have no culpability in the situation. I was robbed. My conscience is clear.
I feel like we are living barely the next thing up from animals on dry lot. My kids don’t get that you:
- …pick your
washcloth up and wring it out.
- …hang your wet towel over the towel bar or shower curtain rod.
- …don’t use hair accessories like you use a match…once and done.
- …don’t take your mother’s things(perfume, mascara, razors, deodorant, socks) just because you cannot find yours. It is stealing, even if it is only from your mother. Just ask.
- …don’t tell people you hate them and your life would be better if they died**. Yes,
smart ass,because then you could get your own job and pay your own utility bills? Or is it, dealing with insurance companies, that you crave? Just missing a party at your friend’s house. Oh. Okey Dokey. Look, are not supposed to wish death on anyone. At all. Ever. Even if there is a bonfire on the mountain at Blondie’s house.
- …screw the tops on the bottles and jars you use around the house and put them back where they go, so the person who comes along behind you doesn’t fling a full jar of generic grape jelly all over the kitchen floor.
- …make your bed with mattress cover, fitted and top sheets and comforter…BECAUSE THAT’S HOW WE ROLL.
It is what separates us from the animals.
That, and being able to take responsibility for my attitudes and actions.
, but picking a fight with a bestselling author…
**Just a simple word of advice to teens everywhere. When you tell your sibling not to tell your friends you acted like this, that is the official moment you
“screwed the pooch” ruined your own life. Don’t blame your mom.